Wendy's Drive Thru Review

As many of my fellow porky friends know, each fast food drive thru is not created equal. Generally all fast food joints display the same characteristics from location to location.

If you go to Jack in the box, be prepared for a 15 minute wait. (I don't get it...even if you are the only car, they make you wait)
If you head to McDonalds, get ready for a soda cup that is 48% full. (prepare to order a 44 oz soda to wash down those 63 fat grams)
Taco time will give you 1 sauce per 6 food items. (I suppose 1 sauce packet significantly decreases your chances of contracting swine flu from the window guy)
Arby's will get your order incorrect 89.5% of the time. (I swear that I want to murder these people. Not literally, but figuratively...with a giant figurative baseball bat)
Arctic Circle will never get your food to you, as they rarely get customers, and don't know what to do. (Has anyone actually ever ordered the ranch burger?)

But the restaurant with the most defining characteristic is Wendy's.

100 people were asked what is the most common problem with the Wendy's drive thru, and 85 responded that they feel rushed. 11 responded that they thought Carrot Top owned a majority stake in the company, and 4 people responded by pressing the button "1" on their phone.

Have you been to a Wendy's lately? I generally stay away, but the thought of eating 35 fat grams in only 7 pieces of Asian chicken was too strong to resist.

Honestly, isn't the speed of a Wendy's drive thru a little ridiculous? The entire process from ordering to receiving your food takes roughly 19 seconds. It's like they know what you are going to order before you even say anything. Did Wendy's patent the right of omniscience?

Me: I'd like a #4, super sized with a Coke.
Annoying Wendys Operator Lady: Sure. Anything else?
Me: No, that'll be it.
AWOL: Are you sure you didn't want a large frosty to dip your fries into?
Me: (Damn...how did she know?) Umm....I suppose, although there's no way I can eat all that. I'll share with my kids.
AWOL: Whatever you say Matt.
Me: (How did she know my name? I'm frightened)

Let me set up the Modus Operandi for an average Wendy's drive thru visit:

Pull up and peruse the menu. (They already know what you want, so you might as well just go ahead and order)
Pull your car to the window where they already have your drink ready and waiting on the outer lip of the drive thru brick window.
Make the "double exchange" where you hand the money, and receive the drink using both hands.
Set drink down, and turn to see an impatient employee waiting to give you change.
Take the change, and start to put it in your wallet, and the change compartment in your car.
In your peripheral vision, you notice the employee holding your food out the window like they have a baby to deliver in the next 10 seconds.
Throw your money in the passenger seat, as your attention is at maximum capacity.
With money tossed haphazardly in various location in your car, food resting on your lap, and the drink teetering tentatively on the dash, you pull out of the parking lot. The odds of you getting into a car accident at this time are roughly 36%.
You then set the food down in the seat next to you, only to knock off a 5 dollar bill to the ground. You reach over to grab it, as the drink gets tipped, and spills over the upholstery of your minivan.

If you try to disrupt this process in any way by slowing down, I truly think you will have food thrown at you.

The last time I was there, I was waiting behind a car who had obviously completed his entire transaction. His car wasn't moving, so how did I know that he was finished? The Wendy's employee was hanging his upper body out the window, holding my drink for the "double exchange." If I didn't pull forward when the car in front of me did, I am positive he would have jumped out the window and ran me down brandishing a 20 oz Coke.

How does a training session go with a new employee?

Wendys Employee Trainer: Alright, let's practice this again.
Annoying Wendys Operator Lady: I suppose.

AWOL: What if the customer isn't ready to take the food?
WET: Tough. You throw that food bag into the hanging spare tire 10 times in a row, and you'll be ready for the real thing.

To recap, if you are looking for a quick stop to plug up your arteries, head over to Wendy's.
On the other hand, if you are highly annoyed with just about every human being on the planet, you will come away from this experience with rage in your veins, and Root Beer on the floor of you Nissan Quest.

Wendy's drive thru zips its way to a mediocre 2-star rating based on the fact that I'm positive they hold the Guinness book of world records for fastest transaction.