Saturday, June 20, 2009
Kenny D
The newest upgrade for hospital beds
My wife had a baby last week
Hospital Administrator: So we've got the recovery bed for the new mothers, what are we missing?
Hospital Board Member: Did we include a TV with 5 TLC channels that play Jon & Kate around the clock?
HA: Of course we did, that was the first thing we installed.
HBM: Has a janitor come in and mopped the floor with sprite yet?
HA: They're on their way. I just know we're missing something...
HBM: Aha! What about the new fathers?
HBM: Where are they gonna sleep?
HA: I already said the floors will be mopped and ready soon.
HBM: Maybe we can buy a nice reclining lazy boy for every room, then everyone will be happy.
HA: We don't have the budget for that, is there anything else we can use?
HBM: My grandma has some old pull-out sofa beds she bought at a garage sale!
HA: Consider it done!
Do I sound bitter?
Obviously you can't expect to get too much sleep when you have a newborn around. So maybe that's the point of such uncomfortable mattresses. They must be trying to ween you off sleep. Who knows, maybe there are people who are used to sleeping on a bed of nails and hospital beds really float their boat.
The mattresses are about two inches thick, which is pretty important when the springs underneath are rusted, razor-sharp talons waiting for their next prey. It's possible the bed I spent those nights on was from the set of Hostel. Thankfully you are provided with a sheet to cover the mattress because I'm not incredibly fond of warming up to the indiscriminate orange stain on the mattress. I have a feeling my mattress was once used to catch the placenta.
Even if I could have fallen asleep I would have been interrupted by nurses constantly coming in or janitors trying to mop the floor with sprite.
I hope my wife, nor any other woman, doesn't read this because I am complaining about my comfort in a hospital when my wife just gave birth and probably gets less sleep than me. Probably.
Having a cute new baby is a definite 5, but sleeping in a hospital sofa-bed get a BIG FAT ZERO.
5 comments:
Congratulations on your new baby and Happy Father's Day! Having children at home saved my husband from having to stay at the hospital when my last baby was born (and,I think, our first baby together).
I won't complain about your complaining, but I will reward it with a story. When my daughter was born (easily my easiest labor/delivery), I finally remembered about the soon enough to get one, which I did and it only took FIVE TRIES (which each try bringing on an excrutiating contraction. Finally they got it in and, 20 minutes later, my daughter was born - only five minutes before it kicked in.
But, thanks to the fact, I couldn't lay on my side the first 30 minutes (since I was busily pushing an eight pound person into the world), I did have a murderous headache for six days that even heavy duty narcotics wouldn't touch. The kind of headache where drilling a hole in your head starts to seem like a reasonable plan.
And that wasn't the only place that hurt.
stephB,yeah my wife was pretty lucky. She only had to push for about 20 minutes. Though if I had to push anything out of my danger zone for 20 minutes I would not be feeling lucky.
When you can push a watermelon out your butt then you have the right to complain about the bed!!! Kucky? You ar elucky she didn't right hook you for putting her through it.. awww poor you and the lumpy bed. Someone should call 911 !!!!!!!!!
Actually it is the mess your health system that is the problem the beds here are just fine! So there, you should have had the baby here. Then I might get to see some pictures......
Ok few typing errors there it is 1.20 am and I am old so give me a break but the intention is still the same....
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