4.22.2009

Walmart Blood Pressure Machine Review


At some point in time, all of my kids decided to put their hand on a hot burner. Luckily, this lesson taught them never to do it again.

Some lessons in life aren't learned so easily.

Some people still do Meth even thought the billboard campaign seen around my town is enough to make me want to blow bacon double chee chunks over the dash.

Is that an ad for an Amy Winehouse tour?

The show "Lost" is just good enough to get you sucked in....only to leave you saying "What the Hell?" at the end of every season.
The 2-way stop is still as confusing as Calculus to most drivers.

And you should never-----NEVER use the Blood pressure machine at Walmart.

I was waiting for a prescription at Walmart (4 dollars...booyah) and noticed the blood pressure machine opposite me. I felt what every other person feels when they see it....that would be fun to do.

In fact, I don't think most people care what their actual blood pressure it. They are more fascinated with the blinking lights and changing numbers. Some think they're watching a Keno board.
Most people don't even know what their blood pressure was just 5 minutes after taking it.

Billy Joe: Hey Juney, what was your blood pressure on that thingy over there?
Juney: I don't remember. Oh look...here's the bulk hostess ding dongs.

This review is pointed towards the actual health-conscious person who wants to stay appraised of their blood pressure. Go ahead and take a look at the machine. What do you see? More importantly, what don't you see???

As irony dictates, they place this "health" tool directly across from the waiting area for the pharmacy. Who's most likely waiting in the pharmacy on a given Sunday afternoon?
People with strep throat, whooping cough, the flu, and the occasional bout of scabies. As these people wait 45 minutes for their medication, they will most definitely wander over to get their blood pressure checked. What then gathers on the machine, is the largest congregation of sicky germ soup you'll ever measure in the world today. No amount of Penicillin could take down the infection casserole on this machine.

But let's say that you miraculously get through the contact without contracting a debilitating illness. Are you safe? That depends on what you want to be safe from.

As luck would have it, within the last day, some obese guys with shoulder zits put his meaty hamhock in the arm-hold to be tested. When the arm-hold tightened on his arm, roughly 3 zitty volcanic eruptions spewed puss over the arm-hold like the first juicy bite of a bratwurst.
You come along with your high tolerance to sickness, and get an arm bath of zit crap from a 43 year old rail worker. Enjoy.

Or perhaps you feel OK touching the buttons to start your test on the display. Picture this:
You enter a Pizza Hut, and see a couple of video games in the corner. You head over to check them out. Sitting before you are two beauties from you child-hood. Q-bert and Mortal Kombat 2.

You insert a quarter, and look for the 1-person "start game" button on the top. What awaits you is the crustiest mass known to man. Surrounding each button in the cracks is the compilation of 25 years of pizza, garlic bread, Pepsi, and skin flake droppings. It looks like a formation you'd only witness at Yellowstone.

This my friends, is what awaits you at the blood pressure button controls. How could they get so dirty you ask? I have no idea, but I've seen psoriasis, and could fill up the button cracks in weeks.
Perhaps someone couldn't wait to eat their Twinkies before they reached checkout, and mowed down while their body contracted bird flu from the seat.

If you are not dissuaded by these arguments, I dare you head to your local Walmart in a tank top, shorts, and no shoes. (the company uniform) Take a seat, and pop out a 180/120 reading. Within a few hours, the viral and bacterial agents you touched will be attacking your immune system like a Spartan warrior. Enjoy the rigorous vomiting and diarrhea that will visit your house in the next 24 hours.

I contend that in the "after-life," we'll be able to track all the ways that sicknesses were transmitted in this life. The Pareto will be as follows:

1--Daycare
2--Church nursery classes
3--Walmart Blood Pressure public machines
4--Paris Hilton

The Walmart Blood Pressure machine infects its way to a 1-star rating.

7 comments:

Major Undeclared said...

I can't resist it because I like to see how long I can go without hitting the reset button.

Matt said...

Cooties...Cooties.

nipsy said...

Heck, the only thing safe at Walmart to touch would be the soap dispenser in the bathroom, you'd probably be the second one touching it. (I'm the first).

Carl said...

Wal Mart? eeewwwwwww... That's all I could say about it. Now, that lipstick is charming. What brand is it? You know, Mother's Day is imminent!!!

Matt said...

nipsy--You should send us a review on the bathrooms at Walmart...none of us dare enter. My kid will pee his pants in the cereal aisle before I enter therein.

Carl--Meth red....I believe Avon carries it.

Anonymous said...

I don't know about the Walmart you are going to but the Walmart in my neighborhood's bathroom is very clean. I don't touch anything in the bathroom but if I need to go I will go into the Walmart bathroom. I use toilet paper or napkins to open and close doors. But I would never let my child pee his pants because the store bathroom is not clean. Maybe you need to check out other nearby Walmarts.

Matt said...

@Anon--If you haven't noticed, the rhetoric and superlatives are always on full blast here.

I really wouldn't let my kids pee their pants. I'd just have them pee in the milk cooler.

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