Movie Remakes Review

Hollywood, you guys are killing me with these remakes. I realize that you have the unique ability to use hind sight to look at franchises that worked in the past and then make more money on the same idea, but do you realize you are killing your own history in the process?

Most people would agree that some movies are untouchable, that is, you should never try to remake, recast, reshoot, or add anything for fear of tainting a masterpiece. The Wizard of Oz, for instance, shouldn’t be touched. However, I think we should extend this mandate to more than just the few classics though. Please, just leave ‘em alone.

Here are a few examples.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a cult classic. It was cheaply made, but shocking to all, and fixed in time as a breakthrough horror flick. Fast forward to the remake, it is superior in every way, don’t get me wrong, but it slashed more than just horny teens. It destroyed the original and made it irrelevant. The historical quality of the movie is lost and replaced with a not-so-original, yet scary, replacement. The original is now a joke.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is a remake that tortures my soul. My kids think Willy Wonka is Johnny Dep, not Gene Wilder. That’s enough to make me cry, but worse yet, they think computer generated Oompa Loompas are fine replacements for our orange-faced little friends who taught us that you really shouldn’t "Eat what an Elephant Eats." I guess that part of the song wasn’t politically correct to the fatties out there like myself…so you won’t hear it in the new film either.

The Land of the Lost should only be remembered for the remarkably horrible acting and bad stop-motion animation. To make anything more of this Saturday morning nightmare changes it place in history as the worst waste of film ever. That was something.

Original Star Wars Trilogy. All that I will say here is the frickin’ Ewoks sing the Yub-Yub song to celebrate at the end of the final movie. Yub-Yub my friends, not some ceremonial, galaxy-wide symphony. Just some chubby little man-bears dancing and playing drums on some left-over storm trooper helmets. As for Anakin, the poor bastard that played the man behind the Darth Vader mask only had 12 seconds on film with eyebrows. To take that away and replace him digitally with Hayden Christensen was tragic and a historical rip-off of that fat old bastard’s legacy.

Halloween. Once again, Rob Zombie made a killer movie, much better than the original. Problem is, Jamie Lee Curtis was the scream queen. Does anyone remember that? Nope, more history killed for profit….and Jamie Lee will only be remembered for holiday hijinx and her Disney remake of Freaky Friday with America’s favorite wayward daughter, Lindsey Lohan. It’s sad really.

Foot Loose is now slated to be remade. There are even rumors of Zack Effron taking the lead. What about Kevin? Was his flying karate kick at the end in vane? Does his call to the masses of "LET’S DANCE!" no longer reverberate with the youth? Doesn’t Jonathan Lithgow deserve a little respect? And what about all the poor teenage girls who never sprouted breasts, huh, what about them? Ariel showed us that even a micro-A cup in a tube top can be a hot chick if the town is small enough. Am I the only one that remembers? You know, it was back when Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t cause an involuntary gag reflex, particularly when her angular melon is juxtaposed with the pale frump that is Cynthia Nixon. Come on.. the good ol’ days!

So Hollywood, I know you guys are hurting for ideas, but leave well enough alone. If you are tapped out on sequels, prequels, and spin-offs, try something you haven’t thought of….a new idea.


DermottTrellis said...

Obviously you missed The Wiz from 1978.

Diana Ross ... Dorothy
Michael Jackson ... Scarecrow
Nipsey Russell ... Tinman
Ted Ross ... Lion / Fleetwood Coupe de Ville
Mabel King ... Evillene
Theresa Merritt ... Aunt Emma
Thelma Carpenter ... Miss One
Lena Horne ... Glinda the Good
Richard Pryor ... The Wiz

MeatWad said...

I refuse to acknowledge "The Wiz" as a remake. That is like considering Blacula a remake of Bram Stoker's Dracula. If we include these, we would also have to include Cleavagefield, When Harry Wet Sally, and Good Will Humping. Which, as a side note, were fantastic remakes in my opinion.

DermottTrellis said...

and Edward Penishands


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