Sports Jerseys

I’m not sure when dropping $100+ for a shirt you don’t wear with a tie ever became a good idea, but they are selling like hotcakes. Team Jerseys are everywhere and I don’t quite get it, but I’m also not a sports freak either. The obvious problem in my eyes lies in the fact that there are names and numbers printed on the thing locking you in a faddish time warp that, in today’s sports, only lasts a season or so. Let me illustrate with an example.

A couple of years ago I decided to surprise my wife with a team jersey of her favorite football star, Daunte Culpepper. I need to tell you that it was a Vikings jersey, because by the name alone, you could never tell. (You may see where my argument is heading) In my shopping madness I further thought "It might be fun to get a jersey for everyone in the family so we could all wear them together on gameday." We would make it a family thing. Until now, my wife has always been the sports fan and me, not so much. I know, I’m a lucky man.

So I buy my little girl an AZ jersey of Fitzgerald, my son a Cowboy’s jersey of, well, somebody that was on sale, and a beautiful Denver jersey of Mr. Plummer for myself. Hats to match, and I was out the door of the local Pro Image having spent a small fortune.

Everyone loved the jerseys, big fun for a while but then something happened I didn’t think about. Players got traded. Some, more than once. I would wear my jersey to a buddy’s house and inevitably somebody would say, "Plummer isn’t even the quarterback anymore…and he sucked when he was." I would defend myself with some stupid remark but they were right, he wasn’t. Problem is, the jersey was quite expensive and still in perfect condition. I also noticed that wearing it out in public prompted personal attacks for which I was unprepared. It was as if my team’s poor performance was part of my own personal responsibility, what with me wearing the jersey and all. Haters felt empowered to shout things like "Denver Sucks" or throw tiny jabs via my kids by saying things to them like "Wow, you should tell your dad to like a real team."

These are not people I wanted to talk to and the jersey opened up a conversation I didn’t want to have. I finally started using the sad comeback "Give me a break, the damn thing cost $100..I’m getting my money’s worth."

As far as the players and teams are concerned, you are lucky to get a couple of seasons with the same name on the same color jersey. Friends will mock you almost as much as strangers, no matter who is screen printed on that holey piece of cheesecloth you have wrapped around your Buddha Belly. Sports are like politics, arguments ensue but nobody changes their minds.

Counterpoint:

I do have to be unbiased and give some positives though, because I am a fair and balanced reviewer.

1. Jerseys are naturally oversized to allow for shoulder pads and what-not on atheletes. That makes them just about the right size for your average Nacho pounding football fan. Plus, any shirt that still covers the belly guts when your hands are above your head is worth a one-bill in my book.

2. They are made of a tight fish net that has only modest screen printing. Multiuse! What better use for your Jet’s Farve jersey than to stretch it across your kitchen sink to rinse pasta and veggies? Gotta use it for something.

3. People will buy anything on Ebay. So Oxy-Clean those Buffalo wing stains and get it posted.

4. Wearing that jersey is probably the closest you will ever come to reliving your high school sporting career. You couldn’t lead your team to victory against the Cornwall Dragons back in ’94, but when you are wearing that Montana throw-back, you feel like you could lead ‘em to the Super Bowl.

5. And finally……Nothing, and I mean nothing, is hotter than a woman in a jersey. Particularly when that is all she is wearing. Yummy.

So with the one caviot of buying a jersey of a universal Hall-of-Famer that has been retired for years, I say, save your cash and by a t-shirt. It won’t be nearly so painful when you have to use it for a dish towel next year.