Newspapers

In this techno-age of passing communication, the newspaper is a dinosaur headed for extinction.

I believe this is happening for multiple reasons.

People want things quicker. You can get instant news on CNN immediately after it happens, rather than waiting for the next morning.

People can't sit still for more than 5 minutes. I believe that many people get their news from reading the headlines. Why would they want to actually read the article, or sit down for a good op-ed piece?

Reading is becoming over-rated. Too many other forms of entertainment are taking up our time. Reading doesn't stimulate some people like video games, TV, or Dungeons and Dragons.

And lastly, you cannot go directly from a newspaper to porn. If you're looking on the Internet at porn, you could easily have another tab open to your favorite erotica site.


Unfortunately, I think that the newspaper is getting a bum rap. There are 3 instances where a newspaper is not only a positive, but absolutely necessary.

The first is on Thanksgiving for the Black Friday ads. I don't dare brave the crowds as my wife does, but I'll sit and pore over the 11 pounds of advertisements, wishing that Obama would give me free money.

The second is while eating breakfast. Let's be honest. While eating Cinnamon toast crunch, you don't want to spill your milk on your laptop. But you can splatter all the milk you want on the obituaries. In fact, a newspaper acts as a convenient place mat on the table.

The third and final instance where a newspaper is a necessity, is the bathroom. The newspaper was cater made to be read on the john. Take in the "Life" section, and read up on local concerts while taking care of business. Upon exiting the restroom, make a quick deposit of the newspaper into the garbage. (this is very important...do not leave your newspaper in a public bathroom. I believe this is where SARS was born)

Unfortunately, people have shifted into bringing all sorts of electronics into the bathroom to pass the time. Cell phones, laptops, and IPOD's are constantly heard clicking in public restrooms nationwide. I sure hope you have a pocketful of sanitary wipes, because if not, you are the most disgusting person ever.

For example, lets say you enjoy text messaging on the pot. Prior to sitting on the seat, you've touched the door handle to get in the restroom, and the "locker" on the stall. There is now no less than 53 different "man-bits" germs on your hand. You then reach into your pocket to send a few messages. Have you ever noticed the greasy fingerprints on your phone? Gil Grissom wouldn't need his fancy CSI tools to pull a print from your phone. He'll only need a napkin imprint as the DNA left behind could spawn an army of viruses and sicknesses enough to plague a 3rd world country.
But this is not the worst part. You wash your hands vigorously before you leave the restroom because you take pride in being clean.
You then make a call later in the day using your poo-phone, and get feces, boogers, and all sorts of germs on your face. Plus, you let your kid play with your phone when you get home to keep him appeased before dinner. What kind of parent are you?

In addition to these 3 instances when a newspaper is necessary, I compiled other things that newspapers can be used for.

Paper mache--How many times have you wanted to do this, but lacked newspaper?
Lining pets cages--Parakeets worldwide benefit from newspaper.
Making sailor hats--I don't know how, but I've seen it done.
Starting fires--In lieu of gasoline, this is key.
Sears lingerie ads--How would 14 year old boys worldwide get by?


I think I've proved my point, and believe the newspaper is still something that all Americans should consider subscribing to.
I currently do not. Why not? Because the paper boy won't drop it on my doorstep. He leaves it on the front of the driveway, and that's just too far to walk for me.

4 fish wrap star out of 5.