He's Just Not That Into You

In order to review this movie, I would have had to seen it first. And I would have to admit to seeing it. This is a sad day where I feel like I have lost at least a quarter of my already declining testerone.

You'd think I was doing my wife a favor by telling her to go to this movie with her sister. Then she wouldn't have to deal with all my whining. But no, she tells me that she sees "my movies" all the time and I need to go with the both of them for my cinema castration.

Chick flicks are a funny thing. They have found a pattern and they stick with it. They go like this:
Girl has an ex-boyfriend that is a jerk but she still hangs around.
Nice Guy is trying to win a bet with his friends to get a girl.
Nice Guy is sarcastic and swoons the girl.
Music montage ensues, where they fall in love.
It's exposed that both male and female have lied. They fight and break up.
Girl gets back together with jerk ex.
Nice guy and girl both realize that they want each other.
Some kind of chase involving running, a boat, or car ensues.
Happily ever after.

There is hardly any original thought in chick flicks. I give "not into you" an ounce of credit for wanting to try new things. It wasn't entirely predictable. Though that might be because it had so many characters and so little time to fill cliches.

So, we bought our 3 tickets for the show. My wife and her sister went to get our reserved seats and I went to the bathroom. (too much information? too bad.) When I found our row I saw that my seat was filled, by a younger girl. My wife told me the situation: These sorority sisters couldn't get seats together and so they took mine. The girls apologized profusely and my wife laughed. I threw up my hands and said that I'm going to "push" or "coraline." The show was completely sold out except for one available seat. This seat just happened to be the one in between Devo from the "Friday" movies(let's just say he was a very large black man with arms the size of my torso.) and on the other side a mexican just as big. I refer to him as Cezar. So I sat there like the scrawny whitey I am. I couldn't use the arm rests because their triceps took over. Uncomfortable. So yeah, I was the one weird pervert who goes to movies by himself.

The movie itself was mostly unenjoyable. I wanted to laugh with the rest of the crowd but I couldn't bring myself to. The girls in the crowd absolutely loved the movie. And they should, it was made for them. the main character was someone they could relate all their issues to. The unmarried guys in the audience sat grimacing with pain, but knowing they would most likely get action for their act of selflessness.

Let me tell you the low points. Drew Barrymore looks like the old maid and is out of place. Just because you produce the movie doesn't mean you have to be in it. Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck have no chemistry. Not into you is a long movie, and it feels long. Nearly 2 1/2 hours. Wow. Is it a sequel to Return of the King? For those of you who like clean movies be warned of a awkward bump n'grind scen with Bradley Cooper and Scarlet Johannsen. Do not see with parents. I haven't seen groping like that since scout camp. (possibly the creepiest thing I have ever said)

One big problem. Scarlet used to be fighting Jessica Alba in the playoffs for my heart. Now Scarlet is a chunky monkey. She is not the sex symbol she used to be. Yes she has nice lips but she has a man voice. I apologize to any ladies out there for my comments. You might call her curvy, I call her chubby. How far the mighty have fallen.

The pros of the movie are Ginifer Goodwin in the lead as the relatable quirky girl and Justin Long is good as well. Bradley Cooper looks to be a star but did no favors to himself in the jerk role. Jennifer Connelly is a standout and she actually appears to be acting, in comparison with the other actors. She plays uptight OCD very well.

If you're a woman (do we have any women readers?) then there is a good chance you will like this movie more than I do. If you are a guy seeing this on a date, then try and enjoy it for action sake. If you are a guy who goes to movies by himself, look for me so I have someone to sit with.

I wanted to give the movie and the experience of He's just not that into you 1 1/2 stars but I'm gonna round it down to 1 overcrowded star.


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