Flowers

I think it is time to get to the "heart" of the matter. Flowers and greeting cards are contrived gifts that great marketing have established as staples, no that's an understatement, requirements of any man who loves his woman.

Ladies, do you know how much this crap costs? Do you know the absolute waste of cash this is for the sole purpose of proving our love? I know I am going to be considered a rebel for even mentioning this notion, but we are all playing right into their hands, the hands of the flower-producers, candy makers, and greeting card writers.

Example 1: You sit down with your "Honey" at a decent restaurant, not 5-star, but decent. You know the bill is going to be roughly $60 - $80 after tip, so you eat light because at the moment of ordering, the world is her oyster, not yours. Ten minutes into the meal a spry young man walks over to your table with a basket of single, long-stem roses and asks "A pretty rose for your pretty lady?" You now have two choices. First, you can ask him the cost which basically negates the second part (where you actually buy it) because only a cheap bastard would be so unromantic as to bargain with the seller of the ubiquitous token of love. Second, you can say "Certainly" and watch the smile grow on her face as you search for the $8 in your wallet. To further show your "suaveness" you tip the guy and thank HIM for the pleasure. $10, 1 rose, instant of happiness for her, but it really won't even make it to a vase. Who the hell puts one rose in a vase? The best you can hope for is that she crushes it in a book after drying it so she can open her "keepsake" box in a year and spend 15 minutes cleaning up the potpourri that just spilled all over her lap. In the process, the memory is replaced with rancid flower-dust cleanup.

Example 2: Your wife/girlfriend works with any number of other people and Valentine's Day comes 'round. If any other person in that office gets a work day delivery and she doesn't, you my friend are worthless. Bragging rights about how romantic you are as a man-friend are way more important than the flowers ever were. You better have lots of red petals, a vase, something chubby and fuzzy, and if you really want to seal the deal, something heart-shaped and made of Mylar floating 3 feet above the rest of your $100 "proof of love".

Example 3: It is your anniversary; you are very tight on money and have agreed to just spend time together as your gift to each other. Men, don't fall for it. Second mortgage the house, sell a kidney, do something, but you better have some flowers and a $5 card with a Hallmark stamp on the back or you are a dead man. Is anyone with me here? Has my day-in, day-out devotion over the last 13 years really been reduced to this trivial token? Yes, it has...and I know that.

Example 4: I won't go into specifics about timing but this is where many men go awry. You need to drop some cash on flowers at least one other time during the year for no specific reason. This is extremely important so set your phone calendar. If you don't do it, then the anniversary and Valentine's Day purchases seem like something you only do out of obligation, which of course, is absolutely true. Add one other day, and the same action just came from the heart and the two "required" days become more meaningful.

So what is this about? Some symbol of Spring and fertility from the Pagans? Who knows the origin but the fact is now it is about tradition and love. Neither of which can be broken. We men will do anything to try to make you ladies happy. So we go along with it because it seems that for the three meager days that the flowers last, you think we have proven our love a little more. You have a little more insight to something we never questioned. I guess it could be worse, gladiators used to die in the arena to prove such things.

It is utterly wasteful and ultimately means nothing, but for that one smile, we drop $60 to $100 for a consumable, short-lived, commercially generated, sign of the heart. The new microwave you've needed for 3 months will have to stay on the backburner because I promise you, if you are in a relationship that you want to have last, the flowers are the only choice. Since we are being honest, there is also some distant hope for some hot V-Day action, but get that out of your head boys, that too is pretence enough to negate the deal. If these weeds were somewhat reasonably priced, I would never write such things, but they are a major investment that I have spent many a year trying to figure out how to fund. I know, this is a moot point and I will likely continue to prove myself in the manner Proflowers devised. The fact is and has always been than her happiness will ever trump my wallet. So ladies, please enjoy them...and maybe consider the hot V-Day action on your own?

BTW, the two stars are for the smile...not the flowers.