Dirty Talk

Here at review spew we like to not only inform, but instruct on occasion, when it seems appropriate. Further, to handle this delicate topic I’ve decided to use Cosby’isms that were made famous by one of my all time favorite celebs Bill Cosby. Throughout this review, I will use the terms foul, filth, and flarn in place of other, less subtle adjectives, adverbs, verbs, and nouns.

Ladies, I want to review an often underappreciated, underused enticement that you have at your disposal. The power of audio stimulation can do wonders for the bedroom. Your oohs and ahhs are appreciated, don’t get me wrong, but please don’t limit your utterances to the cliché. Open your mind and your voice and you can bring your partner to a whole new level of ecstasy. This review is specifically geared toward a woman using the "potty language" on her man. I am in no way advocating the "trash jaw" going the other direction because I have no idea how all ladies will take it. My man-view is universal.

I think the use of "dirty mouth", or the "filthy talk" creates four distinct gardens of excitement for men.

1. Seduction
Sneak up on your man out of the blue and whisper in his ear "I need your flarn right now." Or try "Come in the back room and filth me!"

Start your monthly interlude with some descriptive complements about his body. For instance, "I love to look at your foulness." Or "Pull back your belly guts and let me get a look at that filthy flarn."

I realize that the graphic stuff may not be appropriate every day, but throw in a little here and there and see if it turns him on like I suggest.

2. Instruction
Let me start by saying, we don’t know what the hell we are doing when it comes to your bodies.

There are entirely too many buttons, pulleys, and levers for us to ever get the sequence, tension, and pressure right. So why not implement a little "gutter gab" to point us in the right direction?

We are not offended by helpful hints that get us in the ballpark. I love to hear "Faster, slower, harder, softer, higher, lower." If you’re happy, we’re happy. So help us make you happy. Speak up!

3. Enhancement
In the throws of passion, the crazy monkey-love variety, there is virtually nothing that you can say that is off limits, offensive, or too graphic. Women, you may think you sound stupid, trust me, you don’t. We appreciate the effort and love to hear you get nasty. I am talking about all guys here. I’ve had countless conversations with the fellas and they all, from the Priests to the porn addicts, all, love to hear your "freak speak".

Disclaimer: I said virtually nothing is off limits, but let’s be reasonable here. Very little in the way of nastiness coming from the ladies is going to offend us but you do have the ability to instantly kill the mood. Here’s the deal. Stay away from the technical, clinical crap. This is one time when you need to stick to the slang. I don’t know where my perineum is and I don’t want to hear about what you are going to do to it. This isn’t biology class. Stick to the basics. The rule of thumb is, if it is printed on packaging that can be sold at Wal-Mart or is a word you don’t know how to spell…..rephrase.

4. The Closer
This one is specifically for the ladies. I know you get sick of us and our insatiable appetites. So here is a little trick to get it over quick. I do have to give credit to Robert Schimmel for this one, but it is absolutely true. You want that sweaty hog of yours to finish-up and get the hell off of you so you can get some sleep? Try this.

Simply say, "Wait, don’t flarn yet!" Make it believable and use that husky voice we love. Once you utter the word "flarn", it’s a done deal. He’s over before he knew what happened. You see, we are usually concentrating very hard on lasting as long as possible. We think about piles of dead babies, our grandmothers, we count by 9’s up to the low hundreds, recite baseball stats..whatever we can do to add an extra three minutes to our game. You throw in a "Not yet", or "don’t flarn" and those words trigger instant completion. It is uncanny. We think you really wanted it to go on, so we feel like a no-stamina loser, but you get to go straight to sleep. Our shame passes quickly and we’re asleep in no time too, so it’s a win-win. Try it, I’m not lying.

So on every level, I think the letting the foul, filthy, flarn fly will make your man a happy one in no time. The more uncharacteristic this type of speech is for you, the hotter it sounds to him. I think I speak for a ton of guys when I give "dirty talk" a great, big, filthy four stars.

Second disclaimer: Ladies, please listen closely here. There is one word that is completely off limits and should never be used under any circumstances. It may seem harmless at first and you may be tempted to use is during the "instruction" stage of pillow talk but I implore you to not use it. Please, never, ever use the word "deeper".