Diet Soda

As our newest guest reviewer, we welcome "Barbender" to Review-Spew. -Meatwad

The scenario starts like this; you are in a restaurant with a couple friends. The waitress comes over and you all start to order. When she gets to your friend, the one with a little bit of a weight problem, his order generally goes something like this:

"I would like a double bacon cheeseburger, extra cheese, tots not fries, and why don't you start me out with a side salad with extra ranch, please. (Salad makes fat people feel healthy) Oh, and to drink, I would like a LARGE diet soda."

Diet soda please!? What in the hell? Why? Is it the carbonated, dirt-flavored water that you so desire? It tastes like crap, so what is the purpose?

If you ask them, they will acknowledge their weight problem and then spew out some nutritional garbage about how a regular, large soda has 8 tablespoons of sugar and 400 calories. Why waste all of those calories on just a drink? Heck, you could order another couple of cheeseburgers for that many calories. And how the heck is it that every overweight person knows the ingredients of every freakin' food made and have the audacity to give you a lecture on the nutritional value of it? Further, they will actually advise you, the skinny guy, on what you should and shouldn't eat. (I know this because I do it all the time) Are you with me people? I know you are thinking of someone exactly like this right this second.

This attitude and way of thinking for Americans is the reason why so many are overweight (enough with being P.C., they're fat). Have you ever noticed that only fat people drink diet? Very few people not struggling with their weight drink diet, most order water, ice tea, coffee, and even regular sodas. Watch the next time you are out with friends. The waitress can always tell who ordered the diet. It's always the fat guy. Wouldn't it make sense that they would be the one with the 400 calorie regular soda? I say nay.

I won't spend time spewing nutritional studies or jargon about how diet soda kills you, or gives you diabetes, or is formaldehyde like so many websites have already posted. Rather, I will make a more realistic, non-scientific, in your face observation that the reality is: Only fat people drink diet soda!

I am living, breathing proof of this fact and have the same habit like most other Fatty McFattys. I drink at least three to four cans of diet soda every day. I am a complete hypocrite and justify it to myself the same way, I'm saving calories. Like I mentioned, I figure by skipping the sugared soda, I can get that other side of ranch dressing instead. Hell, who am I kidding? Throw in another "Number 2", I can afford it now that I am drinking diet! Diet soda has become a new way of adding food to my plate.

It gets worse. This way of thinking infiltrates the gym too. I used this technique when I was lifting weights. I figured an extra hour in the gym merits at least one extra full meal. What a deal. I can eat more, a whole lot more. I guess I have come to the realization that no matter how you look at it, this thought process is really just an obsession with eating delightfully delicious, greasy, fried meals.

Conclusion: Diet soda is an absolute joke that I have proven through years of observation that only fat people drink. I am almost convinced that diet soda has a chemical in it to slow the metabolism too. What better way to keep customers than to keep you fat by drinking something with the word diet on the label? So drink up, we can all sleep better at night, except for a mild case of "fat guy snore" and the constant struggling for breathe under a massive amount of fat that happens to be crushing your throat and lungs.

Hang on. I lost my train of thought. I had to get a gulp of my diet Pepsi before continuing…..and no, I am not joking.

So, I think will skip lunch today and just drink my diet soda. That way, I have an actual credit of calories for dinner. I'm brilliant! Good luck and drink on my fat friends. The diet awaits!

I give diet soda one star, but only because I revel in my addiction.


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