Locker Rooms

I’ve mentioned in other posts how one of my resolutions is to get fit and shed some poundage. Lucky…or unlucky for me, depending on your perspective, my company has a fitness center that I could potentially use on my lunch hour or before work. The problem for me has nothing to do with the actual workout itself, it’s the cleanup. I am admittedly a sweaty man-beast. I have no business using a public locker room, and most of you don’t either. Belly girth argument aside though, I am also completely out of my element. I have no idea what is proper locker room etiquette and have always left these facilities feeling dirty and in need of a confessional.

First off, avoidance of the shower is not an option. Just thinking about hitting the treadmill raises my heart rate to roughly 160bpm. So I am sweating before I even touch the go button. Once I am up to a slight trot, the rain starts falling. The next twenty minutes are spent with me trying to find any dry spot on my shirt to wipe my dripping brow. Anything over twenty minutes requires terry cloth intervention or I am likely to slip off the belt. If I do any kind of workout, I am showering, or I am going home. There is no choice in the matter.

Now I hit the locker room. In order to get 122 lockers in 20 square feet of space, they double stack them and leave virtually no room between the bench and the lockers. Hence, my next experience. I am minding my own business trying to look anywhere but the parade of hairy ass walking around and maneuvering through the locker room. I am slightly bent over putting something in my gym bag when someone bumps me from behind. I say, "Sorry" and turn to see a full-on, naked man ass staring me right in the face. He was in his gym bag too, facing the other way and just butt bumped me. He doesn’t say a word and doesn’t even notice that I now have his ass print on my back. I’m choking back the bile just writing this. I close my eyes for just a second and go to my happy place. Then I continue.

I head to the shower section, fully clothed, and notice there is a line for the showers. No problem, but half of the guys waiting are buck-ass naked with a towel thrown over their shoulder. Yes, they have a towel, but it is over their shoulders. Worse yet, they then try to fire up a conversation. Blah, blah is all I hear, and all I am thinking about is the fact that I am surrounded by "fruit baskets" on all sides. Finally, a shower opens up and I dive in, still clothed. I disrobe, shower, dry off, and come out mostly dressed. As I walk out, there is another naked dude, standing in front of the mirror drying his hair…with a hairdryer. His dangus is damn near sitting on the counter top, but he is having a happy ol’ time brushing and blowing out his lovely locks. I’ll remember that if I ever think about setting my brush down there.

I grab my bag, throw on my shoes, and head to the sink to run a comb through what is left of my receding hairline. I finish quickly and try not to stare at hair-dryer guy still standing in front of the full length mirror strutting his stuff.

Uncomfortable doesn’t cover it. I hate every part of it. From the exposure of my acne filled back and nipples the size of dinner plates, to the ass-cheek shuffle by the lockers. I just can’t do it. What amazes me even more is the fact that a whole lot of guys not only don’t avoid this awkwardness, but seem to revel in it. They are naked from the time they walk in there to the last moment before leaving. These are coworkers for Pete’s sake. I’ve got to work these guys. I don’t need the image of their "wedding tackle" and undercarriage grooming stamped permanently on my mind. I say, work out at home or a gym if you need to use the locker room showers, but keep it out of the workplace. I don’t want to know any dude that well, let alone, my boss.