12.09.2008

Durex Ultra Sensitive Condoms Review

We'd like to thank "Peter North" for offering the suggestion to review Durex Ultra Sensitive Condoms. His personal description was one of a pathetic, ugly, acne-covered man who would only get one chance at sex---and wanted to know if this was the condom for him.
Our collective IQ at review-spew (over 130) pretty much knew he was lying. But the review suggestion was a good one nonetheless.

First of all, let me cover the subject of condoms, and then I'll compare how the Durex Ultra Sensitive "girths" up to the competition.

First of all, please use a condom if you are sexually active. Nobody wants you passing "Cupid's itch" or the "Venus Curse" along to others. If you want to dip your soft serve into the chocolate sauce, please don't drop it directly into the strawberry sauce right after.

When choosing a form of birth control, my wife and I have historically decided between condoms and "the pill." When looking at the choices, money unfortunately played a part.
"The Pill" is like purchasing an all-you-can-eat buffet. One price, and you can eat all the Prime Rib possible. Unfortunately, if you aren't very hungry, you don't get your money's worth.
Your alternative is to order off the menu. If you're hungry, then buy another chicken burrito. But if you're REALLY hungry, things can start adding up.
To be honest...I currently order a la carte.


TLC-approved

Wearing a condom is like getting a shot at the dentist, and biting your tongue without knowing it happened. You could be gnawing on that piece of meat for 20 minutes before you feel anything.
Thus---wearing condoms in general would garner a 1-Star review. The one star is because it does it job---to prevent STD's and pregnancy.

If you are going to wear a condom, you should at least choose correctly. Don't bother with anything called "Magnum" or "Runty."
You can find Trojan, Durex, or Lifestyles at most major stores. I've tried all 3, and they're pretty much the same. In order to feel 15% of what is "going on," I suggest always getting "sensitive" condoms.
If you are thinking of baseball and dead kittens after only 3 minutes of intercourse, I would steer clear of sensitive, and go for the "Steel curtain" model.

Here's the skinny on the Durex:
Cheaper than other brands. Check!
Sensitive. Check!
Smells like a doctor about to give you the "jelly finger." Check!

Even better is that Durex says they "electronically test the condoms for reliability." I would hate to be the test subject when they hook up those electrodes.

So...Peter North, feel free to purchase Durex Ultra Sensitive Condoms. In the world of condoms, it's a winner.



I’ve been married for 13 years. Let’s do the math and multiply the frequency of once per month times 12 months, times 13 years, plus a couple extra per year for holidays, special events, and pity; and you will see that I’ve have had sex over one hundred and ninety-five times. Yes, that is a staggering number and also makes me a veritable expert on condoms. Don’t think that finding the perfect condom is a once in a lifetime quest either. The definition of "perfect" changes continually. For example, in the early days, a perfect condom was one that dulled my senses enough to allow me to last until actual intercourse. Later in my relationship, the perfect condom was one that dulled my senses enough that I could break the 6 min barrier, or 100 thrust requirement to get out of the "premature" column. Now, the perfect condom is one that dulls my senses enough to empower me that I might begin considering my partner’s pleasure. Although I’ve not yet achieved it, pleasuring my partner that is, I have improved by leaps and bounds. Ten more years, and I’ll be a stallion. I’m not saying I have been selfish on purpose, I just lack any and all ability in this area of my life. Ok, I have been a little selfish. You know how some condoms say "ribbed for her pleasure"? I like to turn them inside out when she’s not looking….what’s wrong with a little "ribbed for his pleasure". I’m off topic again.

Now to the review: Many have tried every name brand condom you can find on the shelf at the pharmacy, but I didn’t stop there. About four years ago, I headed into one of those "Condom" shops. They sell nothing else, well, nothing else I will mention here. The lady across the counter was a little too old but very helpful. She asked me what I needed and then the fun began. She pointed to a wall of tins full of hundreds of different types, brands, and colors of condoms. Then she pulled out the silhouette book. Yup, a book with shadow figures of male members, and then asked me which was closest in shape and size to my own. I would have been embarrassed, but she was very kind and a rather comforting, especially when I had to flip back to the pee-wee section. It was a little like talking to your grandmother about your Johnson. Also, I didn’t see any silhouettes pictured that curved sharply to the left, so I just went with general shape and figured that the latex would accommodate.

She then pointed to a group of condoms that would best fit me. Her instructions were to pick 10-20 different condoms and try them all. Just keep the wrappers of the ones you like and then come back after you have picked your brand. Great idea in theory, but most of them expired long before I ever got to try them. They only have a 2 year shelf life you know. So, I never kept any wrappers but I never really noticed a huge difference either. Everything I picked was "extra sensitive" but no more sensitive than the standard Durex we are reviewing here. The trip was worth the story, but I found nothing fantastic. My "shape" is conducive to a standard condom, so again, the Durex is as good as any of these. Cone-Boy, may have a different story. Yeah, there were some cone shapes in that book….even some inverted cones if you can picture that. Like a miniature arm holding an apple. A little disturbing, to be honest.

Also, I later found out that many of the crazy, imported condoms I tried from that shop didn’t have the same manufacturing regulations as the common ones found in your average American supermarkets. Hence, for safety reasons, I would also stick to the Durex. So if you can’t go "bareback", I say grab a Durex, you can buy it in a regular store and you won’t have to look through the "Book of Shadows".

3 comments:

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Matt, Isn't one of the side effects of the pill a headache? And the side effect of a headache, no sex? I fear you're not getting your money's worth from the buffet. Have you considered the "snip"?

eve cleveland said...

Matt,
aright, you got me over here. it's not the same. but ok. i stumbled this because it was so funny. funny cause it is true.
Eve

Matt said...

Fantasy--The Snip is in the cards....I just need to be sure that I don't want 14 kids or something like that.

Eve--That Tears it will return in all it's minimal glory after the new year. Thanks for the stumble...!!

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