Christmas Goodies

First off, let me say that the gesture is appreciated and I realize that you are trying to show me and my family that you are thinking about us during the holiday season. You swing by and drop off your plate o’ goodness, and I smile, thank you, and wish you and yours a "Merry Christmas"… but it has got to stop. You spent way too much time thinking, planning, and driving around to people’s houses, just to have your plate thrown directly into the trash can.

Here’s the problem. You think that you are being so creative with your sugar stuffed treats, but in reality you have reverted back to being a 1st grader with some glue and glitter. Unfortunately, the glue and glitter happens to be edible. For example, my neighbor brought over a monster plate of treats. On it sat a couple of pretzel sticks aside a dollop of white chocolate with a yellow M&M smashed on top. The neighbor says proudly, "Bacon and eggs". I squint my eyes and see that they intended the pretzel sticks to be the bacon along side the white chocolate and M&M eggs. Are you kidding me? I should beat your ass right there at the door. Then, I notice a chocolate covered cherry with a Hersey’s kiss glued to the front and a couple of frosting eyes on it. Slivers of almond make the ears. The cherry stem is the tail on this festive, holiday, chocolate, Christmas mouse. Damn it. Who wants to eat a mouse for Christmas, chocolate or otherwise? No, it isn’t cute. Not cute at all.

I get sugar cookies in all shapes from bells and Santa to the Baby Jesus himself. Does it make you feel the Christmas spirit when you frost and eat and sugar likeness of The Christ child? Then comes the coup de grace, the many variations on the sweet version of "Chex Mix". Breakfast cereals of all varieties adorn almost every goody plate these days . I don’t care if you drench it in Karo, Mallow Cream, honey, sugar glaze, or frosting….that is not a treat. Just because Rice Krispies treats are delicious doesn’t mean it automatically transfers to all other cereals. And it’s Chex mix, not Kix mix, Fruit loop mix, Coco crispy mix, or my least favorite, Cheerios mix. Oh yeah, and leave the Rice Krispies treats alone, I don’t need Christmas colors in my treats. Leave the skittles, colored marshmallows, fruity Rice Krispies, Coco-Krispies and M&Ms out of my delicious, naked treats. That goes for peanut butter too. Get it the hell out. I know you are trying to cram just one more gram of high fructose corn syrup into every last bite, but please, I am getting a cavity just thinking about it. Stop it…and stop it now.

Peanut butter balls, choco-covered everything, candy cane reindeer, mallow-Santas, and whatever goes into Divinity are not Christmas staples and won’t be missed by most. I say end this "tradition" before it goes any further and someone covers crunchy chow mein noodles in chocolate. Oops, too late.

I won’t even go into the fact that 90% of you that make these plates for the neighbors haven’t picked up a spatula since this time last year and your home made peanut butter filling is flat out nasty. So unless you are gifted in the kitchen, remember the rules of Halloween. I didn’t want your homemade popcorn ball then and I sure as hell don’t want your green tinted Corn Flakes wreath now. Stick to cards, cash, or just a verbal "Merry Christmas"….all will be much more appreciated, cost you less, and cut down on my belly-aches and trash in the long run.