Bidet Mate!

Once upon a time I spent a duration of my life in Australia. Based on my knowledge acquired by the Simpsons I was excited to see the toilet water flow the other way. I could not have dreamt the wonders I found.

I was over at an Indian families home for dinner and it was spicy. By the way, Indian Curry = Toilet Pit Stop in 20 minutes.

I don't make it a habit to use the toilet when I'm a guest in someone's home but my sore guts didn't give me a choice. I asked kindly to be excused and found the bathroom. I saw a toilet seat with some funky touch pad connected to the side of it. I'm not one to ask questions so I finished my business and looked around for the toilet paper roll. Nothing. "Oh crap! (pardon the tasteless pun) What now? Maybe this gizmo here will help me out." I see the button for "Seat Warming." I was immediately impressed with this toilet. But a warm gluteus minimus wouldn't solve my current predicament. I looked for the button labeled "Butt wiper." Sadly it didn't exist. But there were a myriad of buttons that reminded me of a car wash. "Rapid Clean, Soft Spray, Light Mist" Wow, was I gonna get an air freshener as well? I blindly hit a button, light mist by the feel of it. It was uncomfortable. I'm not use to water being sprayed down under. I could probably sue the bidet company for rape if I hit rapid clean. "Air dry" seemed like a plausible choice. From under the seat I felt a rush of warm air that fulfilled its promise.
What had just happened to me? Was I finished? I felt like I needed the green lights of a car wash to tell me I'm ready to pull up my pants and go. I didn't feel right about the lack of wiping but I washed my hands and left a shaken, slightly moist man. (Do consistent bidet users still wipe their hands afterwards?)

So I'm not saying my experience was terrible but it wasn't exactly comforting. The main question is "How does a spray of water (i.e. enema) clean the area?" If used once or twice it doesn't actually do a great job. But apparently regular bidet users are used to the spritz and are clean every time. Hmm... Weird.

Oh yeah, and apparently there are many forms of the bidet, some are on the side of the toilet and look like sinks, and get this, people wash their children in them. Messed up.

Don't get me wrong about Australia. Seeing a bidet is very uncommon. They are mostly "popular" in Europe and parts of Asia. (I'm guessing the lower parts). I guess I was just "lucky" enough to experience the cold blast of water in my rear. Sorry Europe, I'm not the biggest fan of getting things shot at my butt. I guess the plus side of a bidet is not having to stick your hand in the nether region and wipe, and I will admit that I'm not the biggest fan of the toilet paper breaking mid-wipe. But I don't think an enema is the answer. I think we should investigate the shell idea presented by Sandra Bullock in the film "Demolition Man."

So to all you bidet fans out there, comment why bidets are the better choice and I will judge you harshly, but it never hurts to hear the other side.

The new ad slogan for bidets should be "Bidets! The toilet that pees back!"

I'm giving the experience of the bidet two puckered stars.