Monday, January 30, 2012
MeatWad
There are some things in this life that can only be shared among men. A pay-per-view fight, the movie “Road House”, and competitive eating are all things that are beyond the comprehension of the average female. So, when a heterosexual man finds another man that has things like this in common nature cultivates a wonderful thing, a blossoming of man-love if you will…a bromance.
A bromance is an amazing thing. Every filthy thought that you could never share with your gal-pal is perfect fodder during a golf game with your bro. Need to vent about some guy at work? Buzz your bro and talk about how you plan to beat your coworker’s eyes shut after a cheap shot to the groin, he won’t judge. Into zombies? Of course, we all are, but the fairer sex may not indulge conversation that ultimately ends in cannibalism and you leading a band of futuristic pirates in a post-apocalyptic setting. Your man-bro will not only point out holes in your “escape” plan but also tell you how best to preserve human meat in a world that no longer has refrigeration. Further, he will discuss, in detail, the finer points of managing your harem of 25 women. That is a tough scenario to talk through with your wife of 15 years.
Side note: I’m not being sexist here. During the zombie apocalypse, men will be killed at least 10-to-1 over women in the first week alone. Heroism and machismo will wipe out most of the honorable guys right off the bat. Those of us that are left will need to have harems in order to more efficiently repopulate the earth and replenish the ranks of warriors to fend off the hordes of undead. It’s just math and good common sense.
How many women will play the “How much would it take for you to…?” game. That is an all time favorite amongst the bro’s and it goes places that you wouldn’t believe. (Side note 2: I have a minor bromance going with Matt and he will do virtually anything for 5 large. Anything). Again, there isn’t a woman alive that will indulge such nonsense.
This all being said, I have been involved in several bromances during my married life. At times, my wife has even questioned my sexual proclivities as she observed me smiling and laughing over a clever text or watched my eyes light up as I planned a man-date for the weekend. Nothing, though, prepared her for the intimate contact that comes with Brazilian Jujitsu (BJJ). For instance, being “in a man’s guard” is the fighting equivalent of the “missionary position” with a cup. North-south is the equivalent of “69” and “taking a man’s back” is the equivalent of well…“taking a man’s back”. It is all way more innocent than it sounds and is an amazing work out, but to the untrained eye, yeah it looks a bit sketchy. This kind of intimacy can only be shared with another bro, and here is why: There is a deep-seeded, primal disgust for the hairy beast with which you are “rolling”, so there is never any tingling to make you second guess your team. (Side note 3: intermural BJJ is highly discouraged if you are in a committed relationship. I admit that there is a fine line between a “rear naked choke” and straight up “S&M” when the participants have ANY potential attraction to one another.) My point is that this kind of close contact is just another part of a bromance and should be embraced, not shunned.
It is a simple fact that men and women are designed differently. Simply stated, women have a mental progression throughout their lives and men stop their mental evolution at the age of 16. We need an outlet for this difference that can only come from another equally juvenile guy. So ladies, let your guy have a bromance or two, give him this and give it without guilt or retribution. Trust me, you don’t want any part of what those guys are sharing, to be shared with you.
